Monday, January 1, 2018

Goodbye and Good Riddance 2017



*Warning: this post will be wordy, lengthy, and personal. If that's not your thing, feel free to leave now! You've been warned.

You guys know that I have always been very personal and real on my blog. There's no point in me having a blog if I can't look back and see the things I was really thinking and feeling. Therefore, it is my stance that I will always remember 2017 as the year I fell into a dark, deep pit and managed to claw my way back up, albeit very slowly and not without a lot of struggle.

As many of you know, I started a new career this year in real estate. I've never been one to shy away from change. I've always enjoyed experiencing new things and it's never bothered me that things change. That's life. I have to admit though, I struggled with my career change. After having worked in the same job with the same people for 10 years, I suddenly found myself in the position of not knowing my job. Being the low man on the totem pole. Having to learn everything from scratch. That in itself was a struggle. Add onto that the fact that my husband and I had never worked in a capacity where we were responsible for, or had to answer to each other. Sure, we'd met at work and essentially worked together our entire careers, but never for each other. There was a lot of fighting, a lot of crying (mostly on my part) and a lot of figuring out our new roles. I am very lucky to say that I have a great husband who was always willing to communicate, to compromise, and to just let me be an emotional wreck, which I was fairly often this year.

Add to the change the fact that I had lost a lot of the people that normally helped me through tough situations and it was the beginning of the spiral for me. It's no one's fault. People move on. People change. Our lives go on different paths and eventually I felt like my life was so separate from theirs that I didn't even know how to start that conversation. Around this time I was around a lot of negative people and I really felt like for the first time in a long time that I had lost myself. I didn't know what part I was playing in my career, in my friendships, or just life in general. I started feeling sad, worthless, and constantly exhausted for no particular reason.

Around this time I also started gaining weight. I was the heaviest I'd ever been in my life and that made me feel even worse. I didn't want to get out of bed and get dressed because I really didn't feel good about myself. I didn't feel like I was accomplishing anything or contributing anything at my job and I just felt all around not good. I was being negative all the time, which is not in my personality at all, but I couldn't figure out how to pull myself out. I could feel myself being an annoyance, a burden, and a pain to be around, but I really didn't know how to not be those things.

Another big change was that we sold our coffee shops. Now this was a long time coming as we had been trying to sell them for over a year, and it was something that really needed to happen. It was consuming way more of my time then I ever intended it to and it was making it difficult for me to really get into any sort of routine or schedule, or give 100% to my new career. Even though it was a good thing, it was still so bittersweet to me. I tried really hard to make sure we sold it to someone that would keep the same integrity and the same passion that we had. Sadly, that did not happen and within a few weeks I watched all the love and hard work I put into it go down the drain. I hope that the new owners will find their way and be successful, but it was really heartbreaking to watch my dream die.

This all sounds so melodramatic as I'm writing it, but at the time it's really how I felt. I knew rationally that I was being a little crazy, that I just needed to buck up and move forward, but depression is a funny thing. You know that nothing really life shattering is happening, but you feel like everything is falling apart. All the changes that happened was for the good, but I still couldn't feel happy about any of it.

All I can say is this: it does get better. I acknowledged that I was depressed, that no matter how silly it might seem to others, I had a right to feel the way that I did. And I stopped wallowing. I found that if I laid in bed and felt sorry for myself, it got so much worse. One day turned into two, turned into a week. Instead, I got myself up, got myself to work, and did the things I needed to do. I also started surrounding myself with positive people, who cared about me, let me talk, and were just there. We changed companies, which was very difficult but also really helped put me in a place that I needed to be. I talked, I cried, I allowed myself to feel what I felt, and now I'm starting over again. Reach out, get help, do what is best for you, but keep moving forward!

Thank you to all of you who reached out, who checked up on me, and who allowed me this time off. I love you, I'm here for you, and I am happy to be back! I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season and here's to making 2018 our best year yet!

8 comments:

  1. It’s not always easy- or ever really to admit how you’re feeling or what you were thinking when you were in that state of mind. I’m glad you got yourself out and am sending you love! Happy to have you back friend - xo!

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    1. Thank you for alleys being such a sweet friend. Im so happy I still got to follow your journey with Bella via Instagram. Cannot wait to catch up reading your blog ❤ XO- Kim

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  2. Kim, I'm so happy to see you're back! I often wondered why you stopped blogging since it's something you seem so passionate about and are so talented at but didn't want to come across as nosy. It sounds like you've had a rough 2017 but I'm glad things are looking up for you! Looking forward to reading your blog again :)

    xo, Liz
    http://elisabethhayes.com

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    1. Thank you so much for this sweet comment and thank you for thinking of me Liz. I have missed reading your blog and I can't wait to catch up! Hope you have a wonderful week ahead! XO- Kim

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  3. Oh precious Kim! How I’ve missed you. Thank you for sharing your journey. I thought about you so very often. In my heart, I knew you’d be back in this sweet space as you were meant to share your loves and your struggles too with us. You are a precious soul and I’m so sorry you were hurting, life sure does throw us curve balls but you are a wise woman and know what it takes to persevere! Wishing you immeasurable JOY in 2018 and welcome back! xo

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    1. Andrea, I have missed you immensely and I've thought of you often! I love this space, I love my friends here, I love YOU! Thank you for always supporting me, I'm so happy to be back! XO -Kim

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  4. Thank you for sharing your year with us Kim. I'm so sorry to hear some things like the coffee shop didn't work out the way you dreamed, but I'm hoping the extra time you'll have now will open more opportunities for you. It's important to share how you're feeling and talk about it so I hope writing this post has helped xxx

    http://izzyk1998.blogspot.co.uk
    http://izzykreviews.blogspot.co.uk

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  5. I'm so glad that you're back and blogging, Kim! While 2017 was a difficult year, it looks like 2018 is going to be a fresh start full of possibilities. I look forward to reading about what this year will bring for you, which is hopefully only the best!

    -Katie

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